Look at me now! (Illegally)

When you’re bullied as a child, you might dream of one day becoming famous, and being able to give a big ‘Piss you!’ (that was probably the rudest word I knew in primary school) to all the people who picked on you; to appearing on TV, winning the lottery, curing cancer, and raising two fingers to those who thought you were nothing.

When I skipped a year of school, moving up to Year 6 from Year 4, a few of the 10 year olds didn’t like having a 9 year old in their class, wearing glasses and answering questions like some annoying Hermione Granger/Harry Potter hybrid (though not smart enough to realise that it’s not pronounced Her-mee-own), and took it upon themselves to make fun of me, and/or push me around. The stupid thing was, being born on September 12th, I turned 10 after a few days, and was already taller than most of the year, so it never got too bad, and when, one day, the ‘ringleader’ forgot his consent form for a Year 6 trip (which I wasn’t allowed to attend, technically being a Year 5), I kicked him in the cock and told him that if he or his friends bullied me again, I’d kick him in the other one. This anatomically-inaccurate, yet anatomically accurate and unprovoked attack got me 10 minutes of hard wall-facing, but the teasing stopped. RESULT.

But now, bully-who-had-such-an-impact-on-my-life-that-I’ve-forgotten-your-name, get ready to be kicked in the other one good and proper…

I’M GOING TO BE ON TV!

That is right. Admittedly, you won’t be able to watch it unless you’re living in the Netherlands or Luxembourg, but even so…TV!

On Monday I’m off to record 15 minutes for The Comedy Factory, a stand-up show featuring 4 acts, hosted by Najib Amhali (one of the biggest selling Dutch comics) and broadcast on RTL 4, the most-watched channel over there. The show ran from 1999-2006 and had an amazing line-up of comics, both Dutch and International, and is now back for a new series, so it’s wonderful to be asked to take part.

It’s being broadcast in June, so I’ll have a clip to post here soon after, although I’m sure there is a clever way to watch online or via catch-up, but as I don’t yet know what it is, or whether it’s legal, I shall reserve comment.

If you happen to be in Rotterdam, tickets for the show (and for the warm-up gigs on Monday) are available here and here - it would be lovely to see you.

I’m now off to choose my walk-on music and try on my new suit. Let’s hope they fit.

Stay fly,

Chris x

“White Rapper” AND cult asian following OR indian fans. Or ‘How to confuse an entire tube carriage’.

A couple of weeks back I was in Camden Highlight on Friday & Saturday. On the Friday night, the front rows were taken up by 50 or so Asian guys and girls, on a matchmaking event organised by The Tantric Club (underwhelminglySFW), and they were lovely, well-behaved audience members.

At the end of the night, I chatted to a couple of the guys about hip-hop and headed off to Camden Town in time to make it down the Northern and Piccadilly lines to catch the last Westbound District line train. As I got up to change at Euston, a group of 8 Asian girls saw me and shouted:

“Chris! Oh my god – Chris! It’s that guy from tonight – Chris!”

 

“Hi”

 

“Oh my god, you were amazing – your rapping is incredible -”
“Yeah, you’re such a good rapper!
“Oh my god, that rap was like, amazing”

“Aww, thank you!”

 

“Can we get a picture?”

 

“Yeah, sure”

 

*All throw gang signs*

 

“Thank you Chris the rapper!”

 

“Thanks guys, and cheers for coming!”

And with that, I dashed off to make my changes, smiling. It’s nice when people let you know they’ve enjoyed a show, it’s even nicer when they do it outside of the venue, and it’s even even nicer when they don’t once mention the word comedy, or funny, or hilarious, and instead confuse a busy tube carriage into thinking that this strange looking gentleman who none of them recognised was in fact a gangster rapper with a sizable Asian following. 

Ballin’.

 

A Virtuoso Musician’s First Day Nerves – 60 Second Sketch!

Last week I filmed a sketch that I’d written with my improv group, Racing Minds. This is it:

If you enjoy it, please like, comment and share it amongst your friends – it’s in a competition to win money and mentoring, which we’d dearly love (and need).

Thank you x

First Rehearsal

Here’s a sketch that I wrote for Racing Minds, the improv troupe I’m in. It’s only 60 seconds long, so enjoy, and if you like it, please do share it amongst your friends!

Strangers on a Train.

Let us start with a song:

Monoliths by Lotus Plaza.

I like this song a lot. I was listening to it on the way back from a gig in Watford, when a small group of perhaps eighteen or nineteen year-olds got on the train and sat next to a fifty-something year-old woman. For the next twenty five minutes they chatted together and ate quavers, passing round bags and laughing, the woman included. I had my headphones in, so didn’t hear what they were saying – on purpose, as it seemed a shame to ‘discover’ what there were actually discussing – but it was a pleasure to see them all getting on.

I’m doing some new jokes at Rise of the Idiots in Balham tomorrow, alongside some excellent stand-ups (so come along if you’re near and free) and I opened tonight with some new ones that will be going into my hour for Leicester, which worked nicely, so it’ll be fun to tell them in full context.

In other news, if you live in/near Nottingham, I’m doing a preview on February 1st – details here.

My thoughts are drained and I need to take my contact lenses out. Night.

My Top Three Teas.

Let us begin at the beginning, so as not to cause an anti-climax.

English Breakfast Tea, particularly Waitrose’s own brand, is the best kind of tea. The name is misleading, like breakfast cereal, Tropicana Ruby Breakfast juice and Belvita Breakfast Biscuits, it is well suited to any time of day. I have mine strong and milky, which can sometimes confuse people, as these may seem like opposites – specifically strongly brewed (2 or 3 minutes with a bag, 7 or 8 minutes with leaves, and I much prefer leaves when I have time for them), with a lot of milk, so it’s the right temperature to drink straight away. I like it in a big mug, and I don’t take sugar. I have it when I wake up, usually in bed, and then one or two more cups during the day.

Tea is great. While I also like coffee, tea is usually cheaper at service stations, pubs, cafés and cinemas (The Lexi cinema in Kensal Rise does a nice cuppa), and so it’s economically superior, especially if you get a two-person pot.

Tea number two is a Darjeeling and Assam blend, made by my girlfriend’s mum. It is the king of ‘relaxation’ teas. I wouldn’t have it in the morning – it’s too delicate – and I wouldn’t have it in the evening – it’s too caffeinated – but in the afternoon, with a biscuit or cake, it is the bomb, as far as teas can be ‘the bomb’.

Tea three is Twinings’ Lemon and Ginger, a cracking caffeine-free tea that I like in the evening – it’s nice and warming, and has more flavour than chamomile, while inducing the same sleepiness. In fact, I’m drinking some now. A bonus with this tea is that if you add some honey and a slug of whiskey, you get a delicious cold remedy/soother/warder-offer (depending how you want to justify it), and it is yummy.

Those are my top three teas. Yours?

Learn From Your Mistakes.

Yesterday, I was told that a friend of mine had done something very silly. As far as I’m aware it wasn’t entirely their fault, and it’s not something I would expect them to have done, but it upset me to hear about it, and to know that it happened.

There’s not a whole lot of use dwelling on it, but if things had turned out differently, a lot of people would be very unhappy right now.

People value life to many different degrees, affected by the many different factors in their own lives – there’s no defined amount that a human is worth (although, check out The Yes Men‘s excellent swipe at Dow Chemical) – but this got me thinking.

There aren’t many home console video games where you have just one life, a single 1UP to play with, and when it’s gone, it’s gone. People need second chances. They need to be able to jump over a gap to see if that’s the way to complete the level, before hitting ‘restart at checkpoint’ if they mess up. They’ve paid for the experience, you can’t just punish them for not timing their button presses correctly by ending the game for good. People like being able to mess up.

There are many mistakes that we can make, safe in the knowledge that there’s a safety net. These help us to learn, to grow, to gain skills, to gather stories. These things make us who we are.

Some mistakes, however, you only get to make once.
Some mistakes you don’t get to learn from.
You know what these are – don’t make the mistake of making them.