When you’re bullied as a child, you might dream of one day becoming famous, and being able to give a big ‘Piss you!’ (that was probably the rudest word I knew in primary school) to all the people who picked on you; to appearing on TV, winning the lottery, curing cancer, and raising two fingers to those who thought you were nothing.
When I skipped a year of school, moving up to Year 6 from Year 4, a few of the 10 year olds didn’t like having a 9 year old in their class, wearing glasses and answering questions like some annoying Hermione Granger/Harry Potter hybrid (though not smart enough to realise that it’s not pronounced Her-mee-own), and took it upon themselves to make fun of me, and/or push me around. The stupid thing was, being born on September 12th, I turned 10 after a few days, and was already taller than most of the year, so it never got too bad, and when, one day, the ‘ringleader’ forgot his consent form for a Year 6 trip (which I wasn’t allowed to attend, technically being a Year 5), I kicked him in the cock and told him that if he or his friends bullied me again, I’d kick him in the other one. This anatomically-inaccurate, yet anatomically accurate and unprovoked attack got me 10 minutes of hard wall-facing, but the teasing stopped. RESULT.
But now, bully-who-had-such-an-impact-on-my-life-that-I’ve-forgotten-your-name, get ready to be kicked in the other one good and proper…
I’M GOING TO BE ON TV!
That is right. Admittedly, you won’t be able to watch it unless you’re living in the Netherlands or Luxembourg, but even so…TV!
On Monday I’m off to record 15 minutes for The Comedy Factory, a stand-up show featuring 4 acts, hosted by Najib Amhali (one of the biggest selling Dutch comics) and broadcast on RTL 4, the most-watched channel over there. The show ran from 1999-2006 and had an amazing line-up of comics, both Dutch and International, and is now back for a new series, so it’s wonderful to be asked to take part.
It’s being broadcast in June, so I’ll have a clip to post here soon after, although I’m sure there is a clever way to watch online or via catch-up, but as I don’t yet know what it is, or whether it’s legal, I shall reserve comment.
I’m now off to choose my walk-on music and try on my new suit. Let’s hope they fit.